An update

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I am not the best. Nope. In fact, keeping up with multiple things I have had a lot of change in the last year. Lets see the tally:

How many Jobs I quit :2

How many jobs I have started: 1

Moved: 1 time

Changed roommates: 1 time (for so much better situation)

Dated: 1 guy, and 1 get to know you date.

Broken up with: 1 guy…  the get to know you date was a bust (and thank God for it)

Deaths: 1 aunt.

I am ready for good things. I have cried out in pain and agony over the loss of the 1 guy as I really did care deeply for him. He just… “didn’t have the time for me” and “wants to be friends”. We’ll see how that plays out. Cause does that ever really happen? Right now I just feel at a loss. I am thriving and feeling great in the workplace, but in relationship to myself and with potential guys… I seriously am lacking. I have turned off facebook for awhile, cause honestly I can’t take it anymore. I can’t see others happy parts of their lives. I feel like FOMO (fear of missing out) is creeping in. I feel like jealously is around the corner. Reality is I need to focus on watering my own lawn. And look inward to what issues I am dealing with.

I hope that you will take a step back and realize what is important.  I hope that you don’t get sucked into what you do not have. It is a very painful place to be. I hope that I to can take care of myself and find great joy in finding who I am and what i love to do now that I have 1 job, a regular routine, a great community and many more blessings.

Good luck in your journey. If you are on the otherside with marriage and babies… I am glad for you.. But right now, it is incredibly painful for me to not be there too. I would not have chosen this path. It is where I am at though and need to embrace it and find the good in it as well.funny-quotes-by-taylor-swift-broken-up-sad-depressed-someecards

 

 

Unapologetically Me

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This is a personal blog that often catalogues my own challenges with self worth, depression and life adjustments.

You see I am 32, single, white female who has not been married or had children at this time. Being in your 30’s, single with no children or relationships to really speak of  is challenging. Especially when most of the people you once knew, have been married a decade and have children or starting to have them.   Life is different for them. It is probably difficult in their shoes for sure. I admire the work my family friends put in as they balance marriages, work, children, personal efforts and the challenges of just maintaining one’s self.

I, a therapist, struggle. Yup, it’s true we do not have it all put together as therapists. We are human. We have our ups and downs. All while hearing your story to help you in your path of personal freedom and healing.  It is why I am constantly challenging myself to improve and take care of me.

Let me be real for a minute or two. I am starting to recognize areas of weakness again that need some firming up. I have lost sight of myself and honestly my self worth has not been the best. increasing depressive symptoms have snuck in. All in the name of what?  Oh that’s right… Others.  I in my personal walk on this earth continue to fight myself to allow myself to be first so that I can make my patients, friends, neighbors, family a priority. Yes it seems like a circular thought because it probably is one.    I am recognizing I have too much of stuff and not enough of me.

I hold back a lot of who I am as I dont want to step on toes or hurt friends.. I am a big personality. Or people say I am. I honestly haven’t let me be me in awhile.  I got busy trying to run the race to finish my license. I have not sat still to just Be.  A lot of people get like this and probably can relate.

I’m making a change. I am going to be me. I am going to put myself first. I am going to clean up the clutter to clear out my mind and heart and recognize what is important. It is in hopes that I can improve  my mental real estate and reestablish order. It feels a bit chaotic lately but I  have to deny myself stupid things so that I can have the best things.

I am Worth It, you see.

I am Worth time.

I am Worth energy.

I am Worth positive regard towards myself.

I am Worth true humility and not negative disregard.

I am Worth having relationships.

I am Worth knowing.

I am Worth putting my desires and ambitions out there.

I am Worth the risk.

 

Dont let anyone tell you you aren’t Worth it.

 

 

 

Chapter2: Adventures in LPC land and a reflection back

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So I see I have been less than stellar at getting a post up at least monthly but let’s be honest…  who has the time when you are finishing up hours, doing supervision, working 2 jobs and trying to manage the daily life challenges we at sometime face…

So the last 6 months went really quick. I had a birthday, took several trips, finished my hours and waited 9 gruesome weeks for the board to finally approve my license request. It was painstaking arduous work. honestly I wanted to throw in the towel a couple times however gentle friends who have traversed this path wouldn’t let me and reminded me I would get past this.

So Mid June came and help of a friend or two I got my license! I AM a Licensed Professional Counselor!!! It is all still very surreal as this journey has been 7 years long and I am still coming out from all the fog. I am learning to have balance again with fun, work and self care.  It is incredibly hard to learn but I am getting there.

I am thankful for what I do have as I continue to for the same place I intern with as it is good pay and allows for a lot of independent latitude.  I also get to be creative in how I approach things as no 2 people are the same.. yet they are all the same… I know that may not make sense to most but I’m sure you can imagine we all are the same in sense of similar problems. we are very different how we receive information and process it (however even those ways are limited)

I am looking to see what’s next though as I need to be ready to grow as I grow.  I am dreaming more and more of what will be. It really is a beautiful thing.

Some thoughts we visit

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Who do I wanna be? What do I want to do with my life? This doesn’t end in your 20’s or even 30’s when you think you have it all figured out. I have learned with working with our older generations  that this theme often repeats itself as life changes and transitions happen. The good, the bad, the mediocre whatever one goes through, It repeats itself.  Often I have to find myself looking for themes with my population and I re-read a journal entry I made back in college and it makes a lot of sense. So here you go:

Who do I want to be? What a trivial question. It seems not really a big deal when you are younger because yo have a million years of school to get through. But what happens to you when you reach the point of the huge step of jobs or continued education?

You really do have to have faith and trust in God that he will work everything out for the best. But can you see it though? It’s a faith making process. Sure its just around the corner But it’s hard to get from the long hallway to around the corner in this life. How do you prepare yourself for rejection or disappointment? How do you know that what you are perceiving is right? Perhaps its built-in the confidence and the encouragement you are suppose to obtain along the way. But that’s hard when you close yourself off from others. Not trusting. Not letting anyone new in your life. Then there you are from a little kid enjoying life to an almost adult with no one to hold your hand being pushed into the big bad scary world without anyone to help direct or show the way. You may make it big time or just mediocre standing by world standards. You are alone or you go with God.

Put on a brave face my child because I’ve got this one

God calls to you.

You either grab his hand and let his lead or fight him the entire way. but How? You scream. How do I really let God lead?

You have faith. Just what you need to begin with.

And frankly, I think it’s also what you end with. Faith in God. All the way to the end of this momentary life.

Things I am learning in the adventure

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So many of you may or may not know….. I work in nursing facilities with our older populations. There is a popular trend to follow the person in therapy and it works well when the person stays on one topic. Sometimes this is not the case if you can imagine. I personally love a good treatment plan model rather than follow the patient where they lead cause honestly it may lead down a rabbit hole filled with lots of colors and technicolor dreams.

OK. Maybe I am exaggerating. But There is some truth laced in there.

I use to loathe treatment plans because inadvertently there would be a COW (Crisis Of the Week) in the road and it would derail us for a couple weeks. But these were people needing change.  I now work with people who need an outlet because change is measured in the tiniest of increments ie, they sat up and talked to me. or looked me in the eyes. These things seem trivial but are very huge hurdles when working with the elderly.

I am finding a lot of reframing and CBT work vital in surviving Geriatric Counseling. Everyone gets scared, wants to go home or just thinks things are not great. Finding value and usefulness in what is happening around them, to them and through them gives them a sense of control, worth and ultimately a deeper meaning rather than feeling like someone’s paycheck.

These people matter. They are people we often overlook in society at least western society because we get caught up in the glam, the glitz, the better body, the paychecks, the fabulous vacations… but when it’s all said and done, Can you say you advocated upon the behalf of those who are widowed (which most of the nursing home population is)?

I like a new purse and all but when I get down to the end of my life I am not going to care of I had the latest MK or Coach or LV or any other fancy purse. I am going to want to know I have people. My people.   So where are you investing?

Are you investing in people, friendships, or are you investing in handbags, earthly treasures that will eventually wither away?

Perhaps these are just my ramblings but i feel these are things I have learned. Things that are now deeply engrained within. I hope you will learn them too.

Clinical Hour updates woo woo

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The Update on clinical hours as of this month: I have completed 889.50 hours and have 610.5 hours remaining of face to face client time. And a much less of 203.75 of indirect hours remain.

Can you stomach it? I have completed 2185.75 hours completed towards the total 3000 hours i need for my LPC license. The projected end date should be March 31st (give or take some days). I look at it and then look back and see all that I have accomplished and yet still to go. Its a constant process of learning, growing, working on myself as well as helping others.

IF you have a goal and it seems overwhelming or not able to be conquered… let me assure you I have been there. In fact a year ago I wasnt sure I was even going to get to finish my license. God had other plans. He allowed for me to take some big chunks towards this goal these last 5 months. So thankful for the journey even in the hard moments. YOU can succeed in your goals. take it one day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time. and KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!

Updates Galore

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So Here is is October, 5 months into this job thing I love so very much (Well… the clients anyway). I am learning a lot about our older generation, their values, their perspectives and their needs at this stage in their life. I want to tell you their values are much different than our generation. TO some extent that is true. The bulk of my clients are people proclaiming to be Christians. I have very few who have no belief system at all. Those who have it have been more agile, able bodied and honestly seem to be more cognitively aware. Those who do not seem sad, and hopeless. It is my perspective however and someone else may find something different.  I am telling you Jesus Christ is the answer. He is life giving, living water, ETERNAL LIFE YA’LL.  As I am doing a countdown lets just say I am about 600 hours remaining. Guys that is like 6 months. seriously so freaking close it isnt even funny! I am so excited to be more than halfway through. I have much more to grow and learn about the older generation and how counseling that population is somewhat different than mainstream counseling. It is different. Its more relational. Its more about life review. its about dealing with the here and now. Most of their past is just that. it does affect them. But helping them process how they feel about it now and it affects their everday day life is what matters. I have seen some interesting cases and I am more aware of my own junk now than I have ever been. I want it resolved now before I am forced to deal with it before Papa God says its time to go.

So let me urge you. Deal with your issues now. Don’t delay. The older you get the harder it is to work on stuff. I know i work with old people.    Let this phrase be true of your life as you work through your stuff

“You gotta get old, to get good”

Much love friendlies.